By Bernadette Healy
I wonder what is going on for you as you worry about your child. Perhaps the following is of interest (although it may not be!).
It seems to me that you have come to a point in your life where you are trying to make sense of who you are as a parent (as well as a person), and this includes exploring the ways that you yourself were parented. This of course brings up old hurts and lots of complicated feelings towards your parents. Possibly, as well as wanting to distinguish yourself as a mother/father from your own mother or father, you will also find yourself understanding more of what her or his life structure was like – this is hard because you might find yourself being sympathetic at the same time as being angry at some of the ways she or he was, for example, with regard to a sibling. You seem to be feeling a mixture of being trapped (in a situation that you did not expect to be in with regard to your own child) and being afraid that if you cannot find a way of keeping it all together; that everything will collapse into chaos. It is as if you are alone in all this difficulty – but perhaps that is how you felt in the past when you were too young to have much influence? You are not that little girl or boy anymore; you have life experience, skills and attributes to bring to this situation; and you do not have to be alone in it all. But perhaps you have not yet found satisfactory ways of letting people in to share the emotional load (and perhaps others are not as available as they could be)?
It seems as if you have to solve all the problems, but perhaps that too is a leftover from the past, and the role you were expected to play in your family of origin. Perhaps you have been in the habit of carrying more than just your anxiety in your determination to keep the chaos at bay? But now maybe you are ready to find some new ways which are not so heavy, and hopefully you will have more moments enjoying yourself being with your family. It seems to me that you could be a little kinder to yourself and trust the part of you that, at times, wants to seek help. When you are ready, the parts of you that haven’t had a chance to come out into the light for a while will bubble through, and offer easier ways of being. Be gentle and patient with yourself, and allow your child to help guide you into becoming their parent (they only want you and ‘ok’ is the gold standard).